Angry and Bitter

EDIT : okay so it's been a year since I first uploaded this, and first of all I want to say that I'm in a MUCH happier place now. I'm still dealing with a few of these issues, but much less extreme and I'm no longer depressed. I was in a really dark place when I uploaded this, and I just want people to know that that is no longer the case.  I toyed with the idea of deleting this, but in the end I decided not to. I could pretend this never happened and that I never felt this way, but I feel that this is wrong. It proves I am human and that I DID really feel this horrible, and I think if I deleted this it would say that it is wrong to feel this way. It is never wrong to feel sad or upset or angry. I want to look back at this in few more years and see how far I've come, see how scared and afraid I was, and then wonder why I was ever afraid. So I have decided to not delete this, and I hope people will see why.  
I look back at this now and wonder if people see this as a cry for attention. But it wasn't. It was a cry for help. And it's never wrong to want help, from either strangers or people you're close with. 

Thank you for all the kind comments and messages I've received since first uploading this. They helped me in more ways than some can even imagine.

_____________________

I'm not one for rants or vent-art, but I'll make an exception here for now. This was originally gonna be a better image, but I couldn't really get it to look right, so I just chopped off her body and kept her head.

Been feeling kind of down for the past two months, and by that I mean one big giant period of  'wtf am I doing with my life'. I've been locking myself in my room and pretty much not coming out, apart from stuff like school when I have to. My friends invite me to hang out "it'll be fun!" they say, but it's hard to have fun when I just don't want to have fun. I sort of just wanna hang out in my room and just watch TV and play video games and feel sorry for myself. I don't even know why I'm feeling sorry for myself, I just do. I'm tired and I ache all the time and I just want to get through the day just so I can come home and sleep. I've just been feeling overall 'ugh'-ish. 

I don't know. I can't help but remember bad things that have happened to me, even if they were years ago and I thought I was over it, or I just never realised it upset me.  Especially silly things. Silly things like dropping my lunchbox on the floor in the middle of the school playground when I was younger. I get upset and cry over 5 year old me dropping a lunchbox. And I have no idea why. The memory never bothered me when I was younger, and I don't get why it's suddenly started bothering me now. I'm also finding myself still angry at people over stuff that happened years ago, even when I thought I was over it and forgiven them. I'm a firm believer of 'forgive and forget', but now I just find myself giving people dirty looks when I see them, even when we've gotten on for years since any sort of argument or incident happened. 

And when I do find myself forced into a social situation, such as school, I'm just an angry ball of bitterness. My friends say something, and I just come out with a bitchy comment or I just brush them off or ignore them. But I can't help it. What they want to talk about irritates me, what they say irritates me, where we go and what we do irritates me. Their presence irritates me. It's gotten to the point where I have friends under the assumption that I no longer want to be friends with them. I do want to be friends with them, I just have the overwhelming feeling of wanting to be by myself. Which is no excuse for being horrible I know, but I can't help it.

I'm also dreading the future. Some people may know I suffer with extreme social anxiety, and it isn't making my life any easier. This is supposed to be my last year of school, I need to go out and get a job, make a life for myself, and yet I can't because the thought of it makes me terrified. Normal 18 year olds go out with their friends every weekend, go out to parties, have boyfriends, but I don't do any of those things. For me I feel like I have no future I guess. I can't answer the phone or pay for things at shops or do anything unless someone is with me. The future is scary for me. So I can't help but look back instead, at when I was a child and things were happier and simpler. I've just been so nostalgic for old tv shows and games and songs. I guess I just want time to stop for a while, just so I can reevaluate my life a bit and have time to still be a kid before I have to grow up.

I don't know. I'll stop blaaahhing all over people's inboxes with this now. I'll probably delete this later when I've regained my senses and stop feeling sorry for myself. Sorry for this guys, I just really needed to vent I guess.

No more negative anyway! I shall now go and clean my room and play some Pokemon, and stroke all of my cats. Because Pokemon and cats make everything better, and I have Annabelle currently sat on my arm making it hard to type.